Tuesday, October 11, 2005

nothing new


It has been so long since I wrote something. No poem. No story. Not even a line. I feel I'm doing nothing without writing. It's not that I don't have thoughts but all the thought come to me before I sleep and I say I write them tomorrow. When the morning comes it washes away every word I had in mind.

The show is going on but stand in the same place. No scholarship. No job. Just sitting at home, doing nothing. I'm sure that's why I have nothing to write.
When I was in Baghdad I used to write what I feel about anything moves my thoughts, about life, love and struggling to reach my goals. In Amman, I used to write about my sufferings away from home and the beloved. And I write about the struggle within my brain missing home and wishing to leave Jordan.

BUT here in the UAE, living with my parents, I feel I lost my independency. After I was an independent person now I have to go back to the family life. It's so hard.
The only thing I know now is that this is the first time I live apart from my sisters. Away from both of them. I lived about a month without my eldest sister when she left to Jordan with my mom as a first step to get us all out of Iraq after the occupation. My dad stayed with us. My little sister had to finish her last year in high school. AND I... was waiting for a reply from San Antonio community collage, which I got positively… but didn't go to the States. Instead… I went to Jordan. I'm not going to anything here. The two years I lived there had joys and pain.

Back to the subject, when I left to Jordan I lived with my eldest sister away from mom, dad and my little sister. A year latter, my little sis joined us and we lived alone, the three sisters, in Jordan.

So I know what does it feels like to live with both of my sisters alone and together. Now I miss them both and I live with mom and dad. This is so hard as I said before not because of them but because I had my own life in these two years. Add to it that my grandma is visiting from the Stats but doing feel sorry for me... she is not the kind of grandmother that some people hate. She is a floating angel. And the BIG news is my uncle, his wife and my three cousins are coming form Germany in two weeks. I'm really excited about that. Don't think about it in a twisted way… my cousins are kids… AND… I'm DONE with cousins.

I wanted to talk about the occupation of Iraq and the situation out there but who am I to talk about that. I left Baghdad six months after the invasion. Most of the people I know who are still there told me to be thankful I left early so I can still keep the beautiful images of Baghdad.

Oh how I miss Baghdad, the family and just driving in its streets. But sure driving in old Baghdad's streets. No tanks, no occupation armies.

Then what?


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