Saturday, April 08, 2006

Rescued by M&M's… or Love

I was taking a bath yesterday when I was thinking of my friends in Baghdad, one lost a father, and the other lost a mother, another one lost a brother-in-low. Now Morbid Smile loses her grandfather. None of those I mentioned above is the same people I knew years ago. How ironic, it was few minutes before I felt dizzy and roped myself with a towel, the conditioner was still on my hair, shower jell on my body and I cried "mom!"

I couldn't see anything but white lights. I could hear my mother calling for my dad. I could tell they were frightened. My mother walked me to my bed. I felt the ground was moving under my feet. I was walking in a zigzag manner.

I've been there before. That what they call fainting out.

I know I need sugar. I wanted to utter a word but I couldn't. Then it came out "the M&M's… next… the phone". By that time, my dad was next to us with a glass of apple juice. My mom lifts me up to make me drink and I did drink. Then the M&M's were in my mouth. I could feel how I panicked my parents. I had to say something to let them know I'm fine. Nothing came out of my mouth. I still can't see nor hear well; with more M&Ms I could manage to say "I did that just for the M&M's" trying to put a smile on my face. My mom smiled and repeated it to dad who couldn't understand me.

Few minutes later I was washing my hair and removing the remains of the shower jell. I thought I should be lying not in the tub again.

At a moment before the M&Ms came, I didn't want to wake. It felt like being thrown endlessly from a high building. Somehow, I felt secure that I wanted to not to fight back and stay unconscious. It was only a minute, when time stopped and place did not matter. It was my mother's voice and my dad's presence that made me open my mouth to take the M&M's. My mom kept saying, "Chew" and so I did.

When I went back under the water I felt guilty being selfish not wanting to wake up. I have the most caring mother and father the sweetest sisters (one of them will graduate and have her wedding soon, the other is the funniest girl you'll meet), and the best fiends, though they are many countries away from me…I feel guilty to deprive them from having me.

What would they feel if I didn't come back? What would they do if I didn't wake? They don't need more pain, or the absence of a dear one. Nor I wanted them to be one of the families I listed in the first couple of lines above.

I realize I am not good in telling family and friends how much I love them and care for them, nor good in hugging them. I might be the worst person on earth to express my feelings.

It's great to be alive and safe for another day.
Take care all and may God bless you.


Blogger olivebranch said...

you should write poems for those you love- use your talent.

It is a gift which allows you to express yourself when you feel you really can't.

glad your still with me.


4/08/2006 1:17 PM  
Blogger aNarki-13 said...

fainting and low blood pressure due to Hypoglycemia.. happens to me all the time..


and Hey Luke(y)! sorry for not sending u any emails..

i feel like crap. i dont want to post but i must. total utter crap.

4/08/2006 8:17 PM  
Blogger attawie said...

Hi Luke..
Good advice, but you see not all people are intrested in poetry these days :)

Yes, I know it. The moral lesson is that we shouldn't take a shower around midday if we had no breakfast ;)

Thank you
oh and cheer up

4/09/2006 9:26 AM  
Blogger Morbid Smile said...

I'd kill you if you decided not to wake that moment!! You won't leave me alone, ok?? Or I would be probably following you!

Sorry I haven't been around for a while, it's hectic physically and emotionally after the funeral! I got your SMS on mobile, but I only saw it two days after you sent it as I left the mobile at home when I was at the funeral.

Take care and EAT! ;)

4/09/2006 2:37 PM  
Anonymous Miraj said...

Dear attawie, my advice to you is to enjoy life and try not to think of what's happening here or what have you been through.
Sometimes I wish I can faint to stop thinking so your fainting was a bliss in disguise in my point of view. Seize every minute.

4/10/2006 12:00 AM  
Blogger attawie said...

Hey Smiley is back

No need to kill any one.. or following any one.. I will be around and you know me.. I love life and try my best to take as much as I can and enjoy it as much as I can..

Take care of yourself and your mother.. you need to rest

Hi agian, glad to see you here. I'm doing my best about the enjoying part but to forget .. it's hard.
Thank you all

carpe dime every one

4/10/2006 2:15 AM  
Blogger Treasure of Baghdad said...

Attawi, you seem a very nice person. I knew you through Morbid’s blog and through the several times she mentions you in her entries.

Hamdullilah alsalama…

If you were “the worst person on earth in expressing your feelings”, you wouldn’t have made me feel every word you said. You are brilliant in expressing your feelings. and by the way, everybody knows that parents-by instinct-feel their sons and daughters. So, I am sure they feel even the breath that goes in and out of your chest.

May God keep you safe.

4/19/2006 1:27 PM  

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