Wednesday, November 30, 2005

A dream

As I am young and free I have a dream that I'm working very hard to make it real. It is to see a smile written on everybody's lips on this earth. But as I grow older I come to find it too hard to fulfill.

I minimized the dream and made it fit my country but unfortunately it seems it's also too hard to reach. So I decided to minimize it more and make it fit my family and friends. Yet it shocked me to realize that it is not working too.

So from today I made up my mind to make my dream come true and starting with one person, me, hoping I can bring a smile on the faces of my family and friends when they see the smile on me.

And who knows, that may change the whole world and make my dream come true.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

A Voyage

Let's say we sailed the boat
But the weather was stormy.
We're not far yet, so let's to the shore.
Let's pretend we enjoyed the journey
And it was even better than we thought.

We saw the birds and sang with them
And heard the wind play in harmony
It was a pleasant song that will last forever.
Many generations will hum its melody
And will say it belonged to them.

We sailed with the wind and enjoyed the air.
The waves were jumping with our hearts.
The mermaids were merry and delight for our joy.
Fishes were happy and danced with the beats.
Everything shared us that it seemed unfair.

But in the deep sea there were sharks;
That forced us to the coast to haste.
From our merry they drove us away,
To go back to the real life for our best.
Hit us with the reality, our minds strikes

April 29th 2005

Let go of it

How could you let those lips
Be eaten by this wild animal?
How could you let his breath
Into you lungs?
It's just like a curse.
You have to let go of it.
Don't surrender to this beast.
You started to smell just like it.
It seems that it started to haunt you.
It started to run in your blood.
Your face started to look darker than ever.
So… just let go of it.

May 26th 2005
Theme: Convincing a friend to quit smoking

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

She Knew Me

As long as she thought when her end comes she would be surrounded by sons, daughters and many grandchildren. But here she lies alone in bed with no one but her dog. The poor dog couldn't tolerate loneliness and made his way to follow her.

I lied beside her as if I'm waiting for her to make me room. First of all I wanted to enjoy the warmth that has been left in her palm.
I didn't utter a word. I knew she can hear anything I say now without telling her. Now I can tell her everything that I couldn't say.

"Sweetheart, you are my first love. There never been anyone before you."

She sleeps still because she knew that long ago, before I even feel it. Her smile is still on her lips.

"Darling, you are my only love, there never been someone but you."

She is still mute.

The eyes are still the same, although they are permanently shut now.

"My love, I didn't leave you for someone else…I just couldn’t bare to live with you and feel that I'm not supplying you with what you need…so…I ran away with shame, pretending I love someone else, to make you hate me…so your pain would be lesser that mine."

She didn't say anything. Just as usual, she still has that smile on her face. The smile that reveals so much confidence…telling me:
"Shut up stupid. Why do you think I lay here alone without a son, daughter, or even a grandchild?"

She knew I would come back… She knew I did not leave her for a new love. She knew me as usual. I would turn to her no matter what…but… Silly me…I found out too late.

April 20th 2005

Old Me is dead. But…New Me will make use of Old Me's mistakes.
April 21st 2005

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Once Upon a Time... I was a Singer

Have I told you once upon a time I was a singer? Yes I was. It's a LONG story about me singing. And here it is.

As a child I loved singing. I had a microphone and my own audience. They were my family and friends. My sisters and I used to write songs and sing. We were really young that my little sister wasn't talking in the real sense. Our songs were about mom and dad and how we love them, or about Iraq and the love of homeland. Sometimes we just pick some songs and sing them or make a program and ask who was there to request the songs. We used to design dances and moves.

You can't imagine how fun it was for us. I even remember that at certain age we started to use our instruments. Our family is an artistic one. My dad is a musician. He plays flute and Qanoon (an Arabic instrument with many strings just like the harp in the lab but it is horizontally) and he is a good hand drummer (Arabic beats). My eldest sister plays block flute and the flute too. I play violin and my youngest sister plays piano. (I mentioned my father but he wasn't playing with us).

But this band didn't last for so long. My eldest sister stopped singing with us because she felt she is bigger than to do such things with children. She started just to train us and select the songs. (The bossy element started to grow healthier). Then I stopped and took her place of bossing on our baby sister. We even used to tape our songs on cassettes so when mom and dad are home they can hear the songs.

Later we were young enough to stop childish games of singing. But we used to sing in our parties either in our home or relative's or friend's home. Until now and this is how we party. I remember dad playing (qanoon) and we have many friends play the lute (Oud) with other friends singing. Other times when we are with other friends, who play guitar, and we would either sing old Iraqi songs sang recently by Ilham Al Madfai. Or we sing foreign songs such as "Hotel of California".

You may wonder why we sing. My father is a composer of classic music mainly marches. My sisters and I were in Music and Ballet school. We learned how to read and play music. We also learned how to use our vocal cords in sol phage class. The school had two main concerts in the year; One for the midterm exams another for the finals.
In these concerts we used to play music and sing. I remember how I used to tremble on the stage. The trembling made my hands shake so bad that my music sounds dreadful. Therefore I preferred singing on playing violin. Even when I'm supposed to be in the orchestra I wanted to sing.

I remember a summer when one of my tutors called us at home and said we want Resha. I told my father I didn't want to go. I thought they wanted me to play. In the morning when he came to pick me up I was carrying my violin. And he said "you don't need your violin, you are going to sing". At that point I was relieved.

He took me with other 2 boys and we went to the studio. We heard the music and read the lyrics and then we started to record. I sang the solos and the boys were the chorus. They were 4 or 6 songs or may be more, I really don't remember. But their themes were mainly about homeland and the farming and building of it. The songs were composed by Hussein Qadoori (a famous Iraqi composer especially for children).
That day, in the studio, I heard my voice and fell in love with it and I felt superior. Many concerts and songs I participated in even with "al maqam al Iraqi". I would die to sing. All for free.
After I left music and ballet school I sang only with friends.

In Jordan, in the university I studied in, I discovered that there was a band. The band consisted of a pianist, guitarist, keyboard player, Oud player, drummer and few singers. All were students. But the person, who introduced me to them, was my literature professor. He plays Oud. We sang and played music for about an hour then we decided we should perform in a concert.

We choused the songs we wanted to play; Four songs from Fairooz, one from Abdul Haleem, one Um Kalthoom. They liked my voice and said that I should sing too. There was another girl who sings. We met in the music room twice a week. Singing and having fun. But there was some problems in choosing the right scales for some of the players didn't know how to read note. Any way we had the concert and it was ok. I didn't sing Um Kalthoom's song. There was no time. But I played each song on my violin and sang 2 songs originally sang by Fairooz.
We had many concerts but I didn't participate in all of them, not even in the ones held out the university. One the stage I forget the world and just sing.

Next course I registered for "Music and Drama in Teaching" class, and the instructor wanted some researches from us. When she knew I'm in the university band she asked me to compose music for a poem. It was ok with me. It was my graduation semester and I registered 21 hours per week- the maximum hours allowed. Latter the poet came and I sang the song. It was for children and I was really embarrassed to sing in front of the class. But I would do anything to get an A.

The instructor liked my voice and gave me phone numbers of many composers if I wanted to make living of my voice. I didn't think about it but she insisted. Later she asked me to participate in "Smoke-free Environment" day bye singing a song. I know myself, too shy to do such a thing. But I said yes. I couldn't say no to her polite request. I read the lyrics (about smoking), went to meet the composer, and liked the music. Next thing I know is I'm in the studio singing.

That day when I heard my voice in the head set, it wasn't like the first time. It wasn't the childish voice I heard before. It was a voice of a young female which sounded like Celine Dion's. (Don't mock me. I'm not exaggerating. Hear and then comment).the composer congratulated me and said "I knew, in the studio, your voice would sound like Fairooz.
English faculty and most of Art collage professors heard the song and decided that it should be performed live. I said a million NOs but what can I do with polite people. My family didn't say no. my mother advised me to do what I want now so I won't regret it latter. I thought I don't want to say " Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda but I didn't do that". But I was afraid that I would be tagged as the girl who sang…blab blab blab.
On "Smoke-free environment" day I was on stage singing in front of the whole University of Petra. I was pink, just like the shirt I was wearing. I saw my group, my teachers and friends clapping and smiling to me. That day I had real audience and I felt a real singer.
As I was a student in Nour Al Hussein institute, I participated in 2 concerts as a choir member. The first was taped by Rotana Tarab because it was Um Kalthum's songs. The second was taped by Jordanian TV because it was the opening concert of Jaresh festival.
I still have dreams of the stage and the studio but I'm reasonable enough to know this is just a hobby and there's no place for such interest in our society. But at least I had my moments and enjoyed them.

Friday, November 11, 2005


I haven't post for a couple of days. I was a little depressed. Not a little but much. It all happed after the bombing in Jordan. And they say "Troubles never comes singles"

I was watching Harry Potter when my sisters called and said "don't worry, we are fine"

My mom panicked "what happened?"
"We wanted to call u in case you are watching the news"

I turned the TV to watch news and saw the story.

'There were three hotels bombed in Amman". Holidays Inn, in Al Rabia area, was one of them which is few lanes away from our home in Amman.
I don't want to talk politic but it's not easy just to stay silent. There are many things one can think about bombs in Jordan. First, it is located near Iraq, Palestine and "the promised land", and now the situation in Syria. Second, Al Zarqawi is Jordanian. No third. I'll talk no more.

I lived in Jordan two years. I studied. I made friends. I went touring. And they say if you live in a place, drank, ate, when you leave you would consider it home. It's not my home but I had good days and bad days there.
I pity the innocent people who died in the bombing. When I was watching pictures from the scene I thought of the Iraqi people killed everyday. Why they don't show the cities bombed in Iraq everyday. As if the world got used to everyday butcheries in Iraq (or even Palestine) but on the other hand it's not OK if it happens somewhere else.

I was really depressed after I stayed alone at home. I heard bad news of a friend from Haneen. His fiancé broke his heart. That brings beck all the memories. I found out that it's has been exactly a year since I was dumped. Yes, I was dumped after six years engagement. I have to admit it now so I can move on. I spent a year of denial and rejection and convincing myself it's all happen for the best, and that I shouldn't get upset. We should either forgive or forget, or better both, those who treat us with cruelty.

I spent a year of hearing and singing "Feelings", "Cuts like a knife", and all the broken heart songs. Now I won't stop hearing them but I'll just enjoy the tune and the lyric without stuffing it with my own feeling of lost.

Now I'm admitting everything to the whole world. I'm free now and I have to figure out how to find the right way to fulfill my dreams.

I believe that as long as no one knows what I'm going through, or no one knows what's going on my mind, I would be a prisoner of myself and my thoughts.

I realized that after I walked to the lake. Walking and watching how people are marching to their destination I became conscious of the important of freeing the mind and having plans to an aim. But it's impossible to reach the aim with one step so I'll have to struggle in life just like those who made it and reached their goals.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Oh Queen Mab

Oh Queen Mab,
I miss the feeling of thy chariot on my lids.
I miss the nights when thou used to warmth them with thy films.
I miss the dreams you brought me when I was a kid.
Could it be no sleep, no rest?
Without you there'd be nothing but regret.
Thou warmth the cold, coolth the hot.
Thou please the infant and delight the adult.

Come back –just one night –
And stop these killing thoughts
Which prevent me from seeing what's going on
In the sleepy world.

Oh Queen Mab,
I'd give thee the thrown of my life
I'd give thee the softest pillows and
The smoothest bed.
Just visit me and see what I can give.

Solitary Nights smash my sanity.
Dim Days control my reason.
Got no reason to live.
Got nothing to give.

Oh Queen Mab,
If thou art coming not
Then, Death, thy brother will.
Still young to die.
Have so much to try.

I heard them say thou bringth dreams.
I also heard that you are the fieriest queen.
But I know you won't come even if it's a monarch's bid.
Prove thy generosity and come.
I'm begging you to come.
Just pay me a visit in a midsummer-night dream.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

well.. well

Hi again… I'm back.

It was a crazy week, crazy with the kids, crazy with going out and receiving guests.
I'm back to Art course. Yesterday I finished the head I was working on. I signed my name on the sculpture's back. It supposed to be my first work in sculpturing to get into history. If it dried before Saturday then it will be presented in Saturday exhibition.

I had nothing to sketch as homework for painting class so I draw my left hand in many positions. Everybody sees it says WOW. I draw my violin few days a go and the response were the same.

I read a Novel by A'isha Al Nour "A Traveler in my Blood" (musafir fi dami). I read it in 2 days then I reread half of it. It is about a famous Arabian Vocalist and the conflicts between her and the society and how people thinks she's just another flesh of meat on a hand, and the conflict within herself in getting divorced and being deserted by her sweetheart.

It's not a long novel. The events are jumping here and there just like a butterfly flying from one rose to another. The images describing the world and the feelings within her are just amazing.

What else?
Today I tried to listen to Metallica but the RealPlayer said my CD is dirty! It never happened with me before. What's dirty? People are dirty. Places are dirty. Even jokes are dirty. What else? Remind me. And the RealPlayer won't play the CD because it's dirty. It's the best MP3 I had ever. All Metallica's Albs, Evanescence, in addition to Iced earth and Nightwish. I'm addicted to James Hatfield's and Amy Lee's voices.
Thanks God, latter I tried to play Evanescence and it did work.

I had fever last night. I took a pill and slept. Woke up early, went to class, got home, got fever again, read "Queen Mab" a philosophical poem about death and sleepiness. I found it on the net while I'm doing a research about Queen Mab in Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet", "Mid-summer-night dream" and "the Fairy Queen".
I wrote a poem about it few months ago and I wanted to know if there was anything about it on the net.

I have to cut my nails and go to play violin.

I have to draw 3 sketches a day. Can you believe my tutor? As if we got nothing to do.

What else?
Scorpions were supposed to have a performance in Jordan in September. I came to UAE September 9th. I thought I missed the concert BUT they will have one here November 30th. I'll try to get tickets. Wish me luck. Though I don't feel I want to go. No friends, no sisters here.

In Jordan, I went to Bryan Adam's concert. I still can't believe he was standing or I was standing in front of him. He sang his unplugged as usual. I'm still keeping the ticket with my souvenirs. He is one of my favorite.

I'm trying to chat with my sisters. I miss them and I don't have credit to call them.
Anyway, that's it for now.

I'll post the poem I wrote about queen Mab.
That's it for now.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Away… We Stay

Where do you want to take me?
I've been there before.
Why do you insist on that?
It would never work for sure.

I still the same old me.
Time has never changed.
I should not go; it's not right.
Believe me I shall take my seat.

He would tell me "I'm yours".
But he'll control me like a doll.
He would treat me kind 'n' gentle
But he'd bid me not to be me.

"Don't go east. Don't go west
I'm your man. I'm your rest.
This is too revealing. Cover your shoulder.
This is too short. It's a hideous neck.
Too much make up. Big glasses
Your face looks like a clown.
Stop pretending you're strong.
Follow your desire and be destroyed".

I would pretend I don't care.
I would wear my mask of power and play my role.
There I'll keep saying I did this, I did that.
Between the "I"s I say I would never look in the eyes.
One look of them and the show is gone.
On this stage I direct the dolls until the curtain falls.
Concealing my tears with my disguise I pray…
Pray not to look to the eyes.
In my charades I carry my shrouds on my hand.
Waiting for the looks from the eyes which makes me add more "I"s
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was jesting…"

If you want to take me somewhere,
Let it be to the future.
There I would know at least
Where I lie at last and sleep.
Or let it be a place of imaginations and dreams
Where merely hymns and lullabies are heard
Just to worship God and then to sleep
Never to be troubled by mortals' speeches
We shall wait for our rest in peace.

So let's go back, you and me, to live alone.
To be ourselves and nothing more.
Away from eyes and out of sights we stay
To live happily ever after in May.

*This is a dialogue between someone, who had enough from relationships, and his heart. She is scared to be involved in a new relation. She is mentally disturbed and lacks confidence. Confusion controls her life.

I wrote this on 3rd May 2005 after I read T.S Eliot's A Love Song to J. Alfred Prufrock "a"
But in this poem the speaker is an old man.

Check it here you may like it…


Today is the second day of Eid and I still can't feel it is Eid. It's the first Eid I spend without my sisters.

Two years ago, few days before Eid I was in Jordan to stay and study. My mom was there and my eldest sister too. The three of us were there to spend the first Eid without dad and my youngest sister. They were in Baghdad waiting for my sister to finish my high school.

That Eid was weird. I didn't know how to be happy without the rest of the family but in the same time I was with my 2 little cousins who live in Amman. When they left they didn't had the second child. These children were now 11 and 9 years old. If they weren't in Jordan with me it wouldn't be easy for me to stay alive. I'll talk about them later.

So… Another weird Eid to spend without my sisters. But still I have my parents around, my grandma and guess who too? My uncle's family. The three smart kids changed these boring days. The eldest, four years old, is a young gentle man. The youngest daughter is a sweet-one-year-and-few days-young lady. You may wonder about the second child. Yes, you have the right to do so. I didn't forget him but he is the real story.
He is so sweet and smart but hard to deal with. He still wants mom to feed him, wants mom to tuck him to sleep. When we are out he wants his dad to take carry him or hold his hand. In the same time he imitates his eldest brother and wants to be spoiled like his baby sister.
Yesterday he was lost in a popular market. It was hell. Everybody started to look for him. Thanks God, he was just few shops away, just looking at some goods. Whenever we are out he runs here and there and makes me run after him. He makes a joke of me.

That's it for now.

My Assignment

Since I have been away for a while, I have to show I'm still on track. So… here is my assignment. A little bit late but something is better than nothing.

I have to skip the seven bloggers I want to pass this tag to because I don't know many bloggers and those whom I read had already done it.

Seven Things I plan to Do:
1.Get my MA and PhD
2.Work and pay my own bills
3.Take care of my parents emotionally and financially
4.Write (at least) a novel and publish my writing.
5.Jogging and exercising daily.
6.Have my hair cut really short (boyish) again. Or leave it to get a foot longer than what is it now.
7.Have my own family and raise my kids.

Seven Things I Can Do:1. Read books without getting bored.
2.Stay hungry, thirsty and awake as long as I want.
3.Sing on and on until my voice fades away.
4.Stay calm even if someone is bothering me without being angry.
5.Stay in my room and never see anybody for days.
6.Play violin even if every body want me to stop.
7.Bother any one I want and anytime (I'm really good in this).

Seven Things I can't do:
1.Stop believing in God and praying (which is I'm thankful of).
2.Say no to someone asking me politely. (It really gets me into troubles).
3.Stop joking at people (even friends and family).
4.Stop watching series, even old episodes I've seen before (specially: F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Becker, Mad About You… oh my God, it's getting a long list. Even movies).
5.Lit an oven to back or cook anything.
6.Iron clothes. (I burn most of them).
7.Be someone else. I can imitate people but can't be but me. ( I am who I am what else could I be).

Seven things I say most often:
1.I don't know. (ma adri, ma a3ruf)
2.I'm not sure.
3.I'll try.
4.I can't
5.Never mine
6.No way! (I used to imitate someone and then it stuck on me)
7./sh/. My grandma says I use this sound a lot like in Arabic word "how" (شلون)

that's it for now.. I have to go to sleep..
I went to dine in Dubai's city center.. then i went to Turath village.. I went with my parants, grandma, my uncle's family and a relative.

my relative's side front door was broken.. I had to step to the car from the back door and jump to the front seat.. I haven't done this for so so long..

we had fun. but the trafic jam was killing.

now I really have to go.
good night my little world.

Happy Eid

Happy Eid for all people I know and know me. Happy Eid to all Iraqi people. Happy Eid to the Islam world.

Hope to spend next Eid in Iraq with the family and celebrating Iraq's victory and real freedom from the occupation and living peacefully.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

My New World

At last I'm back to almost a normal life. We finished packing and we slept for the first night in the new flat. It's feels like home unlike other times we moved to a new home before. The thing that amazes me is that the PC is in my room. This something didn't happen since the first 2 PCs we bought 1997-1999. After those years we had 2 PCs but it would wage a war. My sisters and I, each one of us, wanted one of the PCs in her room. My parents refused this idea and latter got rid of one of the PCs. So… it's nice to have a computer in my room again.
I also have a good closet, better than the one I had in Amman. It's with 4 huge doors with drawers and a big mirror inside. Many shelves and places for shoes. The bathroom is just one meter across my door. But this is the same as in Amman.
What else new? The CD player is in my room too. I used to say that my room is my world but now… could I be more blessed in this world? Sure I have 2 beds but it's temporary as long as my grandma is here. I don't know if I would just get rid of one of them or just join them to make one BIG bed. Mostly I will keep the bed as long as Haneen is coming to stay with me in December God's willing.
I found a new channel on the radio. It reminded me of the V.O.Y-FM back in Baghdad. I'm listening to this station which is called channel four. Some songs that I haven't heard for many years are on air. All these songs remind me of many things happened in my teenage life. The song playing now is by Celina (I'm dreaming of u tonight...or something like that). You might hear it in J.lo's movie. The song she sings on the roof of a house dreaming of the stage.
Old songs like savage garden (I knew I loved you before I met you), I haven't heard this song since 2003. Or (no I can't stop loving you.) which I don't remember who sings it.
And new songs by the Backstreet Boys I haven't heard before. I feel ignorant not knowing these songs.

I'm writing this off line and hoping that I could post it soon. We are still waiting for our earth line to be transferred.

My uncle with his family will arrive tomorrow. 3 kids… I don't know if I'll be able to write anything. But I wrote on paper the last 2 days. I'll try to type them so I might post them.

Hope to get on line soon.